Subtle or Direct, What Works For You?

Saturday, September 13th, 2008

My eldest son recently married a wonderful young woman. While we were chatting one day she mentioned something about my son not always picking up subtle hints. I suggested giving up on the hints and taking a more direct approach, state exactly what she would like him to do. They are discovering so much about each other and realizing they each have slightly different ways of communicating. They’re working at figuring it out; I think they’ll be fine. That’s both the mom in me and the life coach speaking.

Since that little chat, I have given this a lot of thought. It’s occurred to me that a lot of aggravation and disappointment is caused by this simple type of misunderstanding. If she keeps dropping hints and he never acts on them, her feelings may be hurt and then she could very likely become angry because she thinks that he is simply being inconsiderate. From his point of view, he thinks all is well. After all, no one has informed him of anything different. Oh maybe she’s feeling a bit grumpy, but he asked if anything was bothering her and she said no, so it must be that she needs a nap. Ug

Time for a bit of life coaching here. It’s really pretty basic and so simple that you already know what I’m going to say, I’m sure.

They need to have a little talk about communication styles. It needs to be out loud, in actual words, face to face and preferably with smiles on their faces. She probably needs to bite the bullet and simply be more direct with him. For example, instead of piling all of his dirty socks on top of his favorite baseball cap, thinking this will convince him to put them in the clothes hamper, she probably needs to ask him to put them in the hamper. For his part, he needs to make an actual effort to communicate clearly as well and also when he is really not clear about what are probably hints ask! Again with a smile. Think of how much aggravation will be avoided.

I found that when my boys grew up and moved away from home I missed them. Who knew? While I had told them I would appreciate hearing from them often the truth is that their idea of often and mine were incredibly different. I found myself missing them and wanting to hear from them more frequently. How did I fix this? My solution was to phone and leave a message, telling me that I need to hear them tell me how much they loved, adored and missed me and that when they had done this I wouldn’t call them for another week or so. Within a day or two I would get a call from a smiling boy (you can always hear the smile over the phone) and he would tell me just what I needed to hear. I do the same thing with my husband. If I am feeling a bit neglected, I simply ask him to tell me that he loves me, how fabulous he thinks I am and how lucky we are to be together. He will smile and repeat everything that I have asked him to say, what a great guy! I’m happy because I know he means it, he’s happy because he knows that he’s given me exactly what I needed at the moment. We’re both feeling happy and no one is feeling neglected or misunderstood.

My point here is that as nice as it would be for us to communicate through hints and clues, for many of us it simply is not all that effective. In this day of very busy lives, we often don’t  have the luxury of face to face communication. In the past we did have that luxury and so much of our communication was body language, hints and subtleties were much more easily understood. Since we now rely on phone calls, emails and quick little chats with one another, we need to be sure that we are easily understood. When we speak calmly, clearly and directly we are much more likely to have our needs and desires understood and that makes it much more likely they will be met.

Please clearly understand, I wish you a fabulous day,
Sandy

Take Good Care of Yourself

Wednesday, August 13th, 2008

Do you take time to take care of yourself?

When we are sitting in the airplane the airline attendant gives us emergency instructions. One of the first things the attendant says is that if the oxygen mask comes down, we need to put on our own before turning to help others. The reason is that you will be of no assistance to anyone if you are unconscious.

It’s not selfish to take time to relax and refresh ourselves. In fact, it’s necessary. What works for you? Meditation? Talking to a close friend? Exercise? There are so many options. Taking a bit of time for ourselves allows us to release stress and find relief. We allow ourselves to feel relaxed and often find a bit of humor in what frustrated us only a short time ago. These positive shifts in attitude will all lead us to be happier and more productive, which in turn allows us to serve ourselves and others much better.

Take some time for yourself, a few minutes, a few days or even a few weeks. You know what you can carve out of your schedule. Do it on a regular basis and watch yourself become more relaxed, calmer and more joyful, as you experience these positive shifts in your emotions you will also find that you are becoming more abundant and prosperous in your life as well. If you still feel as though it’s selfish to take care of yourself – think of it this way, your life coach not only gives you permission, but makes self-care a definite assignment!

Wishing you a day in which you discover how taking care of you helps you to be happier and more productive. Fabulous!

With warmth,
Sandy

Take Action

Friday, August 8th, 2008

He’s a list maker. That’s a very good thing for him. His lists are his goals, what he expects to achieve for the day, week or even longer.

The problem? These lists were completely overwhelming him. As he would review these lists again and again, he would feel his stress mount and he became frustrated and almost paralyzed with indecision.

The solution? He started making shorter lists and immediately taking action. If his list today has to do with work duties, he will quickly jot down the most pressing matters. Then before he has time to become worried or stressed, he simply takes care of the first thing on his list. One goal accomplished! Crossing that off, he feels less pressure and is more energized to take on the next task. Each time he crosses off a task or goal, he realizes a success.

He still makes lists, but now he looks forward to writing down these goals. He knows that with each one he accomplishes he feels better about himself. He has come to realize that this makes him calmer at work, more productive and more assertive as well.

This may not work for everyone, but it’s been a wonderful step forward for him.

Do you make lists? How do those lists make you feel? Do they overwhelm you or are they simply a road map to accomplishing your goals successfully?

Wishing you a fabulous day as you realize that action leads to your success.

With warmth,
Sandy